Confused About What to Believe.

Lately, I've been pressured by my beliefs in "God" Now for those of you that have known me for more than a year, this might surprise you. I have always been Catholic. From day one, practically. I was baptized as a baby, went on to receive communion, reconciliation, and was even confirmed in the catholic church 5 years ago. But lately, I've been trying to figure out what I believe, as opposed to what those around me believe. This struggle is going on its fifth year and I'm tired of it. 

I know I believe in something, my only concern is what exactly? I've always been envious of those who know exactly what it is they believe in. I've looked into church for help, but I don't feel close to "God" there and haven't since I moved away from Michigan 5 years ago. New church maybe? I remember blaming God for the move, but now time has reassured me He knew what was best. Life certainly is much better here. And yes, I do thank God for that. I just don't know why I have to thank Him. See? Really Confused. 

There's the book. It again says all this stuff I'm just supposed to believe in. Some stories remind me of the Tale of Paul Bunyan, but I know he's not real, so how am I supposed to believe David slew the giant, Goliath? I thought giants were mythical creatures that Christians banished from reading about in Harry Potter? Because that isn't real? Yet I'm supposed to believe the story of David and Goliath without question? I'm sure I just caused a big uproar because I compared the Bible to Harry Potter, but it's only out of confusion, not out of disrespect.

A few months ago I wrote a paper on the difference between Buddhism and Hinduism (I'm sure someone just cringed, but I want to thank you for opening my eyes!) and while researching it, I couldn't take my eyes off from the information. Everything made sense to me, like no other religion has before. Everything seemed so nonchalant and flowing. I wasn't confused, I didn't have to worship this one being that supposedly controls the universe that may or may not exist. I enjoyed what I was reading and most importantly it made sense. I'm not sure if I want to convert (I'm not even sure if thats the right terminology) to Buddhism, but I do know its interesting to me, something I've never really had in a religion before. Nevertheless, I still call myself a Catholic.

I realized when I moved away that not all forms of Christianity are the same. I grew up in a Catholic home, went to a Catholic elementary school, and went to a Catholic church 3 days a week. Never did it cross my mind that a Methodist doesn't kneel in church or do the sign of the cross before and after a prayer. NEVER! My parents friends were Catholic, and if they weren't, well we didn't talk about it. My aunts and uncles aren't Catholic, but then I don't even know what any of them are. My first boyfriend-Catholic. I've had a life of nothing but Catholic. Which is fine for some people, but I tend to think about things more than some. Which brings me back to what I was saying before. Do I really believe in the Bible? Or are the people around me belief's so strong, that I believe what they believe? What do I really believe?

I haven't talked to many people about my problem because I don't have another side. I have Catholic or some other form of Christianity... That and I don't want to get into a huge debate over why I should believe in the Christian faith. Which bugs me about Christianity in general. Why the constant need to tell people what to believe in because if they don't, they're going to hell? And how are you so sure you're not going to hell yourself? So I don't believe what you believe, but how does that make me go to hell so easily? Doesn't God forgive everyone? I believe in something, just not what YOU believe in. And why do you see a need to oppress my beliefs, but I feel no need to oppress yours? Do I not have the freedom to believe whatever I believe, but you do? -Yes I realize that was a rant of questions, but really? Why? 

Like I said, I'm not trying to cause a debate, nor am I an atheist (which I've been called before, the same person told me he couldn't date me because I'm not Christian. Someone's not listening to me), I'm just really confused. I guess I need to do more research, try new religions and hope something speaks to me. Any ideas on my situation?

Just rambling. Sorry for using my blog.

Can you not see what you're doing?
Pushing and pulling,
My family was not yours to break.
I don't know how you can think this ok.
Your childish ways will get you nowhere in life.
You are not welcome in my presence
And you can try to speak to me,
but you'll be talking to a brick wall.
My words can not express the pure anger I feel inside me.
And they will destroy your life as you know it.
Run to your mommy and cry to her
Tell her how we hurt you and how it was all our fault.
Spread your lies and ruin our name.
Hide behind your computer and your phone
Tell the world. I do not care.
Because I know the truth and so do you.
It will eat you alive, the guilt you're trying to hide inside.
I offer no forgiveness. I offer you no prayers.
You cannot come into our home and expect something we can not give.
If money's what you want, find a job.
If things are more to you than people, you're going to end up very lonely.
If we are so terrible, why would you come here in the first place?
Run back to your trashy little town.
Run away from a life surrounded by love and into a life of struggle.
Your husband can't even look at you the same.
Everything you say is tainted.
Everything you do will be counted against you.
The love I once had for you no longer exists.
If you could hear the things I have to say, you'd fall over dead.

Just a Spittin'

Now that's it's officially summer for the commercial world, all things summer are starting to pop into my head. Food wise of course. Hamburgers on the grill, pasta salad, lemonade with fresh strawberries floating inside the condensating glass, raspberry french toast-just to name a few of my favorites... But of course the one I cannot escape is God's gift of hydration-the watermelon. Oh yeah buddy... Every summer I beg my mother to buy one-just one please. Sometimes I think she does it just to torture me, but I know she's not that cruel (I mean she's my mom, right?). So the other day when I returned home from work I found the luscious green giant awaiting for me on the counter. Just chillin' there as I felt that rush of excitement run through my body (that's right all because of a watermelon). But today, today I finally cut into that bad boy. I wedged my knife right in the middle and watched as the juices started escaping from its strong green imprisonment. It's pink flesh made me want to dive into its deliciousness. Every summer I cut up at least 2 watermelons and every time I end up eating at least an eighth of it before I'm done (which is why I always cut them up). But every time I'm standing there diving into this fruit, I can't help but to go back in time to when I was about 8. Barefoot (as I often am in the summer) with bleach blond hair, I'm sitting on the porch of a family friend's with my feet hanging off the side and swinging away. My best friend Grace is right beside me and we're laughing as we spit out those darn black seeds. Juices running down our arms and dripping off our elbows as the sounds of birds come from above and the laughter of our mothers come from through the screen door. Ahhh yes... Summer is here again, just as it promised last fall...

The War of the Ants...

I'm home for the summer now which means every bug and piece of dirt I have willingly left behind for the past year has come crawling back to me. Literally. I returned home to an infestation of ants. Oh yes. You know the ones I'm talking about. The really little ones that climb all over and in everything you left out on the counter. Yep. Hate them. This morning I woke up to get ready for work and took the dogs out before I did anything else. Fed them, got them water, gave them their pills, and all that jazz. The 2 big dogs stay out in the garage and Guido (my Jack Russell) eats his food inside. One would think that ants are more likely to go in their dishes because they're more exposed to the elements, right? Wrong. I walk inside to find his dish swarming with ants. And not only was his dish swarming with ants, but there was a whole line of them going from the wall to his dish looking like a busy interstate. So then not only did I have to clean it up, but as soon as I picked it up, I became their newest adventure. Not cool. I literally had ants in my pants. And my shirt. All within the first 10 minutes of my day. But I soon would have my revenge. I drowned all the ones still on his bowl, (sounds mean, but you would have done the same thing) and now that I was swarming with them, I began crushing them. One by one they fell. And one by one I showed them who had the upper hand. Literally.

Just Adele

I would like to share with you all a little something that helps me unwind after a long day, or even after a short day. Her name is Adele Atkins, better known simply as Adele. Her voice is soft like a calm wave of the ocean, yet the words that pour from her mouth let you know exactly how she's feeling. In my opinion, she is everything you need to hear for the next 3,426,761,549,154,087,560,237,965 hours of your life. But enough about that, sit back and relax as you listen to one of the best musicians that has ever lived.
 Adele-Rolling in the Deep

The Perfect Little Get-A-Way

The past few days have just been terrible for me (regarding things that do NOT need to be mentioned!); they just haven't been stacking up to the usual greatness my days seem to acquire. Usually. Anyways, I've been trying to get this bad juju out of my mind and have been hanging out with a few of my favorite people. Friday night we watched a movie (Hamlet 2, if you really wanted to know!) and I fell asleep watching it, snuggled next to Tommy in his warm and cozy bed! When the movie was over he woke me up so I could go to my bed and off I went to fall back asleep immediately in my own cold and lonely bed. I drifted back to sleep easily and peacefully. Honestly, a bomb could have gone off next my head and I would not have woken up (probs because I would have died, but you get my point!).

The next morning I awake to a familiar face/voice saying my name. As I smile (realizing now who this person is and wondering how I managed to do this in my morning grogginess), I am then asked if I would like to go the beach. Mind you, it is the beginning of January and I do NOT live in Hawaii. I live in Charlotte, NORTH Carolina, and for those of you that don't know NC all that well, Charlotte is nowhere near the ocean. Finally realizing what I was just asked I then exclaimed, "WHAT?" Tommy then said, (yes that was the beautiful voice I awoke to!) "Yes, the beach! Gayle (another friend who happens to have a car) and I were up talking last night and decided it'd be fun to go!" So how would I pass up an opportunity like this?! We would be going to Wilmington (A place I had never been that was about three and a half hours away!). Give me an hour and I'd be ready! So Tommy, Elizabeth, Gayle and I all got ready to go off on our day adventure. 

We drove and drove and drove until we had reached our destination. Fantastical. The wind was cold and slapped at our faces, but the sight was new and seemed make my eyeballs squeal with excitement. People were actually surfing! Yeah, you heard me right! Surfing in the cold ocean in January. Crazy people. Regardless of these crazy people, we flew the kite (mostly Elizabeth and Tommy. Gayle and I dodged the deathtrap of a string attached to the thing). We also watched the kite, which was quite high in the sky, plunge into the ocean as if it had simply had enough and couldn't deal with being in the sky anymore and found its best option quickly and tragically. After retrieving it, we took a walk on the pier (can you believe they charge you to walk on the darn things? I mean seriously! I thought we lived in America?! The LAND of the FREE?!?!?! It was only a dollar, but still!). We spent the rest of our time walking around, seeing what was there and then ate at a nice Italian restaurant for dinner. The waitress explained to us that they make everything from scratch! Even their oysters! Which leads me to ask the question, "So they're in to the oyster breeding business?" Still not sure what she meant by that... oh well...

The car ride back was dark and quiet, leaving a satisfying nap to occur. A few hours at the cold beach tucked into my day and an experience that will last a lifetime... simply spontaneously perfect.
          

Breathing Deep

Today was my first day back in Charlotte after spending my Christmas break at home with my family. I woke up at 5:30 to start my day, followed by a six hour class, which left me with an empty afternoon. I decided I'd better clean up all my stuff I had so nonchalantly strewn all over my room last night in order for my mind to function properly (I have some C.D.O problems! And by C.D.O, of course I mean O.C.D). After that was over, I was still left with an empty afternoon... What to do... I wanted to go get a gym membership and go to Starbucks to get a gift card for a friend, so I threw on my coat, grabbed my purse and started on my way. I was still closing the door when I noticed the love of my life, Tommy, walking down the hallway on his way to work. I, of course, had to stop and say hello. I then decided I would wait on the gym membership and ride the trolley with him to work. We waited for the trolley and talked about unmentionable things we did over break and then were quickly greeted by the city's free transport system. We continued our conversation until it was our desired stop where we parted our ways. I said goodbye hoping to see him after he got out of work, and headed to the nearest Starbucks. I ordered a tall Peppermint Hot Chocolate (yummy!) and immediately burnt my tongue as I do almost every time I get Starbucks. I walked out of the building and headed to one of my favorite spots in Charlotte called "The Green" (it's a little park currently home to the seasonal ice skating rink). I passed several homeless people (for some reason I noticed them being in the masses today), some asked me for money, others stared as I carried about my business. I had planned to drink a majority of my hot chocolate while at the park, but somehow the cup was practically empty by the time I got there (like I said, it was quite yummy!). I sat down and quickly finished what was left and started to take in the beauty of the city. I grabbed my camera and started snapping pictures of whatever caught my eye, walking in a giant circle around my usual spots. 

Around "The Green" there are several literature references, one of the main reasons for making it my favorite spot!

Also at "The Green", a sign portraying "Charlotte's" in the world and where they are in relation to Charlotte, NC. (There really isn't a Char"lette" Michigan, but there is a Char"LOT" Michigan).

Looking down the street next to the Mint Museum and Knights Theatre

My new adopted church, St. Peters. Another one of my favorite spots...

A little piece of the fountain at the Wells Fargo Plaza, located not far from "The Green"

Part of the Epicenter

 I walked past everything with a new eye, taking in everything I've continued to walk past day after day. I began to take in the unique architecture surrounding me and the statues that seem to dance throughout the streets. I completely lost all track of time and realizing this almost an hour later (mind you, I'm walking around Charlotte by myself and the only one who knows that is working), so I check my phone to see three missed calls and a few text messages. Everything but one being from my friend Danielle. So I called her back to find that she too was in Uptown with another friend of ours, Phil, at the new Panera Bread. I was only a couple blocks away, so I headed on over to meet them. I found them sitting in a booth and caught up on the last two weeks and we then we continued to walk around the Queen's City. 

I shared with them my journey around our home, and we then decided to take an extended trip through the buildings of Charlotte (the buildings are connected by breezeways over the streets). We discovered new shops and poked around for awhile, taking pictures of anything and everything. We even saw a celebrity while walking around!!! Fantastico!!!

Look! It's R2-D2!!!

 Long story short, my day consisted of nothing but capturing what I could with my eyes. Everything that I saw was familiar, but completely new in a sense... Sometimes in life we need to take a moment to see what's really surrounding us. If we don't, we are simply going through life blind, letting our feet carry us right through opportunities that shouldn't be missed.