Lately, I've been pressured by my beliefs in "God" Now for those of you that have known me for more than a year, this might surprise you. I have always been Catholic. From day one, practically. I was baptized as a baby, went on to receive communion, reconciliation, and was even confirmed in the catholic church 5 years ago. But lately, I've been trying to figure out what I believe, as opposed to what those around me believe. This struggle is going on its fifth year and I'm tired of it.
I know I believe in something, my only concern is what exactly? I've always been envious of those who know exactly what it is they believe in. I've looked into church for help, but I don't feel close to "God" there and haven't since I moved away from Michigan 5 years ago. New church maybe? I remember blaming God for the move, but now time has reassured me He knew what was best. Life certainly is much better here. And yes, I do thank God for that. I just don't know why I have to thank Him. See? Really Confused.
There's the book. It again says all this stuff I'm just supposed to believe in. Some stories remind me of the Tale of Paul Bunyan, but I know he's not real, so how am I supposed to believe David slew the giant, Goliath? I thought giants were mythical creatures that Christians banished from reading about in Harry Potter? Because that isn't real? Yet I'm supposed to believe the story of David and Goliath without question? I'm sure I just caused a big uproar because I compared the Bible to Harry Potter, but it's only out of confusion, not out of disrespect.
A few months ago I wrote a paper on the difference between Buddhism and Hinduism (I'm sure someone just cringed, but I want to thank you for opening my eyes!) and while researching it, I couldn't take my eyes off from the information. Everything made sense to me, like no other religion has before. Everything seemed so nonchalant and flowing. I wasn't confused, I didn't have to worship this one being that supposedly controls the universe that may or may not exist. I enjoyed what I was reading and most importantly it made sense. I'm not sure if I want to convert (I'm not even sure if thats the right terminology) to Buddhism, but I do know its interesting to me, something I've never really had in a religion before. Nevertheless, I still call myself a Catholic.
I realized when I moved away that not all forms of Christianity are the same. I grew up in a Catholic home, went to a Catholic elementary school, and went to a Catholic church 3 days a week. Never did it cross my mind that a Methodist doesn't kneel in church or do the sign of the cross before and after a prayer. NEVER! My parents friends were Catholic, and if they weren't, well we didn't talk about it. My aunts and uncles aren't Catholic, but then I don't even know what any of them are. My first boyfriend-Catholic. I've had a life of nothing but Catholic. Which is fine for some people, but I tend to think about things more than some. Which brings me back to what I was saying before. Do I really believe in the Bible? Or are the people around me belief's so strong, that I believe what they believe? What do I really believe?
I haven't talked to many people about my problem because I don't have another side. I have Catholic or some other form of Christianity... That and I don't want to get into a huge debate over why I should believe in the Christian faith. Which bugs me about Christianity in general. Why the constant need to tell people what to believe in because if they don't, they're going to hell? And how are you so sure you're not going to hell yourself? So I don't believe what you believe, but how does that make me go to hell so easily? Doesn't God forgive everyone? I believe in something, just not what YOU believe in. And why do you see a need to oppress my beliefs, but I feel no need to oppress yours? Do I not have the freedom to believe whatever I believe, but you do? -Yes I realize that was a rant of questions, but really? Why?
Like I said, I'm not trying to cause a debate, nor am I an atheist (which I've been called before, the same person told me he couldn't date me because I'm not Christian. Someone's not listening to me), I'm just really confused. I guess I need to do more research, try new religions and hope something speaks to me. Any ideas on my situation?
